When a Relationship Becomes Sexless: Navigating Intimacy Beyond the Bedroom
When a Relationship Becomes Sexless: Navigating Intimacy Beyond the Bedroom
Written By Nicole Crump, LCSW-R
For many couples, a lack of sexual intimacy can be a source of shame, confusion, and pain. It's an issue that often feels taboo, especially in a world that constantly glorifies sex, and it can lead to a sense of isolation. If you're in a long-term relationship with little to no sexual activity, it's important to know that you are not alone! Sexless relationships are common, but the reasons for them vary.
What Exactly is a "Sexless Relationship"?
The true meaning of a sexless relationship is when the lack of intimacy causes distress for one or both partners.
Clinically, a sexless relationship is defined as a romantic partnership where sexual intimacy occurs less than 10 times a year.
Please keep in mind this measure is subjective; what one couple considers "low-sex" might be perfectly fulfilling for another. A sexless relationship is not always a sign of a bad relationship. In fact, it's a dynamic that can arise from a number of factors common in mid-life and long-term partnerships, including:
Life Stages and Stress: The demands of raising a family, navigating a stressful career peak, or managing financial pressures can leave little energy for sex.
Health and Wellness: Chronic illness, physical pain, medication side effects, or mental health challenges like depression and anxiety can significantly impact libido.
Emotional Disconnect: Unresolved conflicts, long-held resentment, or a general feeling of growing apart can create a barrier to physical intimacy. When you feel more like roommates than partners, sex often becomes the first thing to go.
Mismatched Desires: One partner may have a lower sex drive than the other. This isn't a flaw—it's a reality that many couples face and can be a source of frustration and hurt if not addressed.
Past Trauma: Previous experiences with sexual or emotional trauma can make a person hesitant or fearful of intimacy.
It's crucial to remember that sex is not a measure of love or commitment. A sexless relationship can still be filled with deep love, trust, and companionship. The key is how couples navigate their relationship trials and tribulations. Thankfully, there are proactive steps you can take.
3 Strategies for Reconnecting with Your Partner
Rebuilding intimacy takes time, patience, and a willingness from both partners to be vulnerable.
1. Re-establish Non-Sexual Touch and Affection Physical intimacy isn't just about sex. In a sexless relationship, it's easy for all forms of physical touch to dwindle. Start small and intentionally reintroduce non-sexual affection. This can be:
Hold hands while taking a walk.
Hug each other daily for 30 seconds.
Give a back rub or a shoulder massage with no expectation of sexual contact.
Lie in bed in the morning/evening talking and holding each other.
Cuddle on the couch.
Kiss each other daily (start with quick kisses and progress to making out).
This type of touch helps to release oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," and can rebuild a sense of closeness and safety without the pressure of it leading to sex. The goal is to remind your bodies and minds of what it feels like to be physically connected. Remember, the journey back to intimacy begins not with pressure, but with patience, communication, and a single, loving touch.
2. Open a Dialogue with "I" Statements The most difficult but most important step is to talk about it. The "elephant in the room" will only get bigger if you avoid it. Be intentional with talking to your partner. Schedule a time to talk. Share ahead of time that you would like to discuss your sexual relationship. Pick a time when both of you are able to be mentally present with no distractions. When you talk, use "I" statements to express your feelings without placing blame. For example:
Instead of saying, "You never want to have sex anymore," try, "I've been feeling disconnected from you. I miss our physical intimacy. What are your thoughts about the lack of sexual intimacy?”
Instead of saying, “You are always on your phone”, try, “It seems like you prefer to be on your phone instead of being with me. I feel lonely when your attention is focused elsewhere, and I miss connecting with you.”
Instead of, "You're always too tired," try, "I feel sad that we don't have as much energy for each other anymore."
This approach encourages a productive conversation focused on mutual understanding rather than a defensive argument. It allows you both to be honest about your feelings, desires, and fears. It's also an opportunity to explore the underlying reasons for the lack of intimacy.
3. Prioritize Emotional Intimacy and Connection If you've been feeling emotionally distant, focus on rebuilding emotional intimacy, as this closeness is the necessary foundation for physical connection. Focus on reconnecting in non-sexual ways:
Schedule Quality Time: Plan regular dates, whether it's a quiet dinner at home or an evening out. The purpose is to focus solely on each other.
Engage in Shared Hobbies: Find a new activity you both enjoy, like a fitness class, a cooking course, or a hobby you can do together. Shared experiences create new memories and deepen your bond.
Practice Active Listening: When your partner talks, put down your phone and give them your full attention. Ask open-ended questions to show you're truly interested in their life and feelings.
By strengthening your emotional connection, you build the trust and closeness that can reignite your physical relationship. The goal is not to fix the sex but to heal the relationship from the inside out.
When to Seek Professional Help
The strategies above can help reconnect you and your partner, but sometimes, deeper issues require guidance. If you feel stuck, working with a couples therapist or sex therapist can provide the specialized tools you need. Sex therapy is a safe, non-judgmental space to explore desire, communication, and emotional blocks. Ready to take the next step toward a more fulfilling relationship? Contact our psychotherapy private practice today to schedule a consultation.
